Why Your Version of the Story Might Be Wrong

Emily Johnson · 2026-10-21

Have you ever been in an argument where both people are absolutely certain they're right? You remember a conversation one way, and the other person remembers it completely differently. It's frustrating, confusing, and sometimes it feels like you're living in two different realities. This happens a lot in families, especially when there's estrangement. A parent says, "But I don't remember it that way," and a child feels dismissed, unheard, and invalidated. The parent isn't necessarily lying. They're just remembering through their own lens. Our memories aren't video recordings. They're more like stories we've told ourselves over and over, shaped by our emotions, beliefs, and the roles we play in our families. And that's where things get complicated. ### Memory Is Not a Camera We tend to think of memory like a camera that records everything exactly as it happened. But science tells us something different. Memory is reconstructive. Every time we recall an event, we rebuild it. And each time we rebuild it, we might change it a little—adding details, leaving things out, or shifting the emotional tone. This means that two people can experience the same event and remember it in ways that are both true to them and completely different from each other. It's not about who's right or wrong. It's about how our brains work. ### The Stories We Tell Ourselves In families, we often have unspoken rules and roles. Maybe you were the "responsible one" or the "black sheep." These roles shape how we interpret events and how we remember them. If you've always seen yourself as the peacemaker, you might remember yourself as calm during a conflict, even if you were yelling. If you've always felt like the victim, you might remember every slight more vividly than the moments of connection. These stories aren't lies. They're just filtered through our identity and our need to make sense of our lives. ### Why This Matters for Estranged Families When a parent says, "I don't remember it that way," it can feel like a denial of the child's experience. And when a child says, "You're gaslighting me," the parent feels attacked and misunderstood. But here's the thing: both people can be telling their truth. The problem isn't that someone is lying. The problem is that memory is subjective, and harm can happen even when no one intended it. ### Moving Beyond "Who's Right?" Instead of arguing about whose memory is accurate, try shifting the conversation. Focus on the impact rather than the intent. For example, instead of saying, "You did this," try saying, "When this happened, I felt hurt." That opens the door to understanding without putting the other person on the defensive. It's also helpful to accept that you might never agree on the facts. And that's okay. Healing doesn't require a shared memory. It requires a willingness to listen, to validate, and to acknowledge that the other person's experience is real to them. > "We don't have to agree on the past to move forward. We just have to honor each other's truth." ### Practical Steps for Difficult Conversations - **Start with curiosity, not accusation.** Ask, "What do you remember about that time?" instead of "Why did you do that?" - **Validate the emotion, even if you disagree with the facts.** You can say, "I can see this is really painful for you," without saying, "You're right." - **Avoid using memory as a weapon.** Don't say, "You're remembering it wrong." Instead, say, "That's not how I remember it, but I believe that's how it felt for you." - **Take a break if it gets heated.** Sometimes the best thing you can do is step away and come back later. ### The Takeaway Memory is messy. Families are messy. And estrangement is one of the messiest things of all. But understanding that our memories are subjective can take some of the sting out of those "But I don't remember it that way" moments. It's not about proving who's right. It's about creating space for both people to feel heard. And that's where healing begins.