Why Your Version of the Story Might Be Wrong

Amanda Wilson · 2026-10-21

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone recalls a shared memory, and you think, 'But I don’t remember it that way'? It’s a common experience, especially in families. And when there’s estrangement involved, those differences can feel like proof that you’re right and they’re wrong. But what if memory isn’t as reliable as we think? What if the stories we tell ourselves are just that—stories? This isn’t about blaming anyone. It’s about understanding how memory works and how it shapes our relationships. ### The Truth About Memory Memory isn’t a video recording. It’s more like a puzzle we reconstruct each time we recall something. Our brains fill in gaps with what makes sense to us, what we’ve been told, and how we felt at the time. That’s why two people can experience the same event and remember it completely differently—and both be sincere. Research shows that memory is malleable. Every time we revisit a memory, we can inadvertently change it. Emotions play a big role, too. If we were hurt, we might remember the event as more painful than it was. If we were the one who caused pain, we might downplay it. This isn’t intentional; it’s how our brains protect us. ### Why Estranged Parents and Children Clash In estranged relationships, memory differences often become battlegrounds. Parents might remember a childhood as happy and stable, while the child remembers it as chaotic or hurtful. Each person’s memory is shaped by their own perspective and emotions. > "We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are." – Anaïs Nin This quote captures it perfectly. The parent and child are looking at the same picture but through different lenses. The parent’s lens might be filtered through their own upbringing and expectations. The child’s lens might be filtered through their need for safety and understanding. ### The Limitations of Our Personal Stories We all have a narrative—a story we tell ourselves about who we are and what happened. These stories give our lives meaning, but they can also trap us. When we cling to our version of events, we close ourselves off to other possibilities. For estranged families, this can be especially damaging. If a parent insists, 'That’s not how it happened,' they invalidate the child’s experience. If a child insists, 'You’re gaslighting me,' they shut down any chance of dialogue. Both are stuck in their own stories. ### How to Bridge the Gap So what can we do? Here are a few ideas: - **Acknowledge that memory is imperfect.** Accept that your recollection might not be complete. This doesn’t mean you’re lying; it means you’re human. - **Listen without defending.** When someone shares their memory, try to understand their perspective without jumping in to correct them. You can say, 'I see it differently, but I believe that’s how you experienced it.' - **Focus on the present.** The past can’t be changed, but the future can. Instead of arguing over who’s right, ask, 'What do we need now to move forward?' - **Seek professional help.** A therapist can help families navigate these conversations and find common ground. ### The Takeaway Memory is a tricky thing. It’s shaped by emotions, time, and perspective. When we recognize its limitations, we can approach disagreements with more humility and compassion. For estranged parents and children, this might be the first step toward healing. So the next time you think, 'But I don’t remember it that way,' pause. Consider that your way is just one way. And maybe, just maybe, there’s room for another.